Building a community of older autistic people

Last summer, I was sitting alone at an outside café, watching as two women of about my own age, gathered chairs around a large table. Other women arrived, all dressed for a day out. Once the group was complete, tea and cakes were ordered, for about a dozen friends. I pretended to read my book, as I watched for over an hour.  The women chatted and enjoyed their afternoon tea, all very relaxed and obviously comfortable with each other.

This social bonding made me very aware of how often I feel like an outsider.

I thought, where are my friends - The people I could spend an hour with, enjoying this level of familiarity? I have a few older autistic friends in London, and a few more dotted around the country. But here in Norfolk, if I wanted a friendly chat, or company at the theatre, or even a friend to go shopping with, there is nobody to call. This scattered diaspora is a problem for many older autistic people - not just women.

There's a widely held belief that autistic people prefer to be solitary, but how often is it a choice? Like many others, I need a lot of alone time. But not all the time. I think autistic people feel loneliness, just as keenly as other people.

Older autistic people who were diagnosed when young, may have identified and made friends with other autistic people on their journey through life, but many of us were diagnosed later and have never managed to sustain friendships, without knowing why.

The diagnosis answers many questions, but it also highlights many problems. One of them is that we have not had the opportunity to create autistic networks on our way through life and now find ourselves in middle age and older, feeling alone and not knowing whether there are other autistic elders living close by.

Some of us have found autistic peers on social media - there are quite a few of us on Twitter, using the hashtag @AutisticElders, to recognise each other. I have quite a few peer group friends I've never met and are unlikely to meet in person.

Having discussed this autistic isolation with Venessa Bobb, founder of A2ndVoice, she found funding for monthly online meetups of older autistic people.

We call them ‘Coffee mornings’, as they are at 11am and run for an hour. Even if we cannot meet, we can see each other, which I have found extraordinarily comforting. People drop in from across the UK. These meetings leave me feeling happy, they are unique in my life. I don't know any of the group personally, but together, we can drop the mask and can speak freely about our lives and concerns, as older autistic people.

Around the country, there are various groups, for children, for young people and for the families of autistic children and young people. But almost nothing for the scattered diaspora of older autistic people, who crave occasional social contact. Not lectures or lessons, not dependent on participating in research. Just a table in a quiet café, where we can gather and swap notes and chat like other older people. But as older autistic people.