Disability Hate Crime Week: Mate Crime and Neurodiversity
Content Warning: examples of abuse
“I have to keep giving them money or they won’t be my friends.”
The 14th to the 21st of October is National Hate Crime Awareness Week.
Hate crime awareness week includes awareness of disability hate crime, which differs from other forms of hate crime. The definition of disability hate crime is “any criminal offense which is perceived, by the victim or any other person, to be motivated by a hostility or prejudice based on a person’s disability or perceived disability” (College of Policing, 2014).
When we think about hate crime images of street harassment and violence may come to mind, but this is not the only form of disability hate crime. The quote at the start of this blog is from a 19 year old Autistic student. She was struggling financially in part due to the 3 figure sums of money she was lending to her friends. At the time she did not think she would get the money back and was certain the only way to keep their friendships was to keep paying monthly.
This is an example of a mate crime.
A mate crime happens when someone who says they are your friend or says that they care about you, is taking advantage of you, your money, and personal belongings and space. The lines between real friendships that can involve supporting each other financially can be easily blurred particularly for Neurodivergent people. This is especially when the rules of the friendship are set by the Neurotypical party - if we’re friends you’ll give me a couple of 100s.
Mate crime can take lots of forms. We have written the most common ones below, but just because what you are experiencing is not in this list does not mean it is not valid:
Someone constantly asking for, or asking you to lend them money and then not giving it back to you
Asking you to buy them things under the guise of it being fair e.g. it’s your round at the pub, but it was your round last time as well and the time before.
Taking advantage of your property and personal space - staying at your house too long or keeping/getting a spare key without asking your permission.
Taking advantage of personal belongings e.g. I wore your dress out last night but I knew you wouldn’t mind so I didn’t ask if I could
Asking you to do illegal things because they think you don't understand e.g. asking you to shoplift items or asking to buy them age restricted items when they are under age
Sexual favours - any sexual activity that you do not feel comfortable with the person or with others e.g. asking you to have sex with their friend.
Controlling your benefits, so you do not have access to the money or controlling the way you spend them.
Inviting themselves to your medical appointments and/or speaking on your behalf at appointments without your explicit consent. This can lead to outcomes you don’t want such as changes in your medication or care plan.
As a young Autistic adult living 100s of miles away from home, the student discussed above was willing to give money she did not have to ensure that she was not left alone or ostracized by the friends she had made. It was only when asking for help managing her finances and with the support of community elders that she acknowledged that this level of financial demands were not normal in a friendship.
This story shows how easy it is for anyone to experience mate crime. As members of the Neurodivergent community we risk being vulnerable to it for a number of reasons.
Isolation and being isolated by people is a core issue in mate crime. Perpetrators often try to isolate their victims, as neurodivergent people we can be isolated from society due to ableism as well as personal preference. For this reason we can be easy targets for mate crime. In abusive relationships, which mate crime relationships are, isolation can happen slowly and take months to occur. You may not notice at first that a person is isolating you from the rest of your family and friends. At least one of the authors found themselves in a situation where they were told I am the only person in your life, you’ll have nothing without me, you have to do what I say or you’ll have nothing, by an abusive party.
Perpetrators of mate crime also prey on issues rising from Neurotypical/ Neurodivergent interactions. As neurodivergent people we risk not being able to ascertain the motives behind neurotypicals actions. This places us at greater risk of not recognising the signs of being manipulated.
The way in which Neurodivergence is viewed and treated within society also places us at greater risk. We are positioned that if something is not understood in a social situation it is our fault, we are told to give people the benefit of the doubt, that we don't fit into society so we should be more open to meeting people part way. As such many of us second guess situations, and are open to gaslighting behaviour.
Neurodivergence itself can be used to help commit a mate crime. One example; impulsive spending issues which can be common with ADHD and Bipolar disorder are more likely to spend money on things that they can’t afford. People that commit mate crime may play on this by encouraging spending on them even if this causes financial harm.
As Neurodivergent people we may be targeted for mate crime and becoming a victim of mate crime is never your fault. It is not always easy to spot mate crime when it starts and can build very slowly.
Friendships should be built on support and reciprocity and never one sided hurt or threats. A true friend supports you and has your best interests at heart. If after reading this you feel like you are in a friendship where someone is hurting you, stealing from you or making you do something you don’t want to do, please tell someone you trust.
To finish on a positive note, and to return to the young student. Following her realisation that she was experiencing mate crime and with the support of her community, today she has recovered her money. As of today she is aware of the signs of mate crime and abusive relationships, and she is comfortable setting boundaries and ensuring friendships are real and reciprocal. Mate crime can happen to anyone but with support and help it can and does get better.
Reference
College of Policing. (2014). Hate crime operational guidance. College of Policing.
